I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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