Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize