Sry I called you an 8
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
