he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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