I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
