Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
