R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
