Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
