Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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