Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
