I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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