is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
