It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
