my mouth tastes like poor choices
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
