I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
