I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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