yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
