i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I need to stop coming to work sober
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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