My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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