Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So apparently I’m into choking now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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