wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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