I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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