The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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