I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
