I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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