I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
