now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
