she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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