I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
