I threw up into my coffee this morning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
