Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
