pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
