You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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