I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
