Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I will be naked everywhere
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
