forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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