so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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