So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
