please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
handjob tips. give me some.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize