There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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