it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
ok first of all what the fuck
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
