don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
