He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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