her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
