I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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