my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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