Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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