Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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