I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
