At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
