I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
vagina is talking i cant
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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