i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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