this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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