sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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