My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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