i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
