is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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