You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
