In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
