This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize