just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
