dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
