I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
