I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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