just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
