I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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