My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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