remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize