just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
