I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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