We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
